I wrote a few weeks ago about the Profound Disappointment I was feeling after hearing that I did not pass the interview portion of examination for Commissioning in the Cal-Pac Conference of the UMC.  And the responses have been overwhelming!  More than once, I have been moved to tears…  In that manly way of course.  ;-)

My initial Facebook/Twitter post garnered dozens of responses plus a whole bunch of individual wall posts, direct messages, emails, and telephone calls.  I can’t begin to say thank you to all of you.  I don’t have the words.

I do want to share one specific message here.  A friend emailed and said that she had recently been doing some video interviews with church members about their church, faith, and experiences of God.  When one youth – one who I knew when I served that congregation, and who is now enduring a life-threatening disease – was asked about his favorite church experience, he said that (quoting from the email):

it was when PASTOR Bob Rhodes (and he went on to describe your role) invited me to join the youth group. He said that it was his best and favorite memory of this church.  To me, that was such an affirmation of your love and ministry, Bob. You are surrounded in love and prayers.

And so I come to understand that the Grace of God is present in and through this difficult time.  I don’t believe for a second that God intended for me to endure this profound disappointment – that’s not my theology.  I can’t bring myself to say or think that God intends hurt and despair on anyone.  What I do believe is that God has been reaching out in comforting and enduring grace (some might even call it prevenient grace) before I – in my anger and hurt and disappointment – was willing to acknowledge God’s presence.

Again, my thanks to you all.  You consistently show me that God continues to work and to call goodness out of everything.

In this process toward ordained ministry, I underwent a psychological assessment that determined that I top out the introvert/extrovert scale.  And guess which end I was on?

<insert my best imitation of a smile here>

So it may make sense that I begin to process this profound disappointment in an outward way.  To be honest, I do this for a couple of reasons (though I’m not sure which ranks higher for me right now).  One is that I haven’t blogged in quite a while and this is a pretty solid subject to talk about.  Second is that I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this kind of disappointment, and often the simple act of sharing (and reading about) similar experiences can be comforting.

And so yesterday was the day of bad news.  I found out that I didn’t pass the interview that I’ve spent a great deal of time and energy preparing for.  When I say interview, I really mean that it’s very much an oral examination.  The way the process went is that there are three separate 30-minute interviews with three separate groups.  Later, they get together to have conversation and eventually take a vote.  And I didn’t receive the required 75% to pass.

So what went wrong?

That’s a hard question to answer today, because today I’m angry.  In that anger, I find myself wanting to lash out.  I find myself short-tempered.  I find myself wanting to blame the process or the people or the politics or any number of factors.  And yes, I surely blame myself.  Whether or not I hold this blame equally is something that changes roughly every few seconds.  Likely I’ll end up blaming myself most.  That’s what I do.

And don’t take that to mean that I’ll go to that dark place of not being good enough or giving up.  That’s not what I mean.  The simple truth is that the people conducting the interview didn’t hear the things they needed to hear from me to vote positively.  That’s the truth.  And it sucks.

I’ve been working long and hard toward the possibility of becoming an Ordained Pastor, and now I’m at a pretty big step.  I’m from the United Methodist tradition, so there’s a long history on what has turned out to be a long and not-without-its-rewards process.  AND, did I mention that it’s a LONG process?!

Those who feel called to ministry begin in their local church, talk to a bunch of people, and end up doing some Psych assessments and committee interviews.  A good deal of this process is really about one question:  are you sure??  It’s also partly about all the different ways it’s possible to serve in ministry and how to figure out what’s right for each individual.  Even though I joke about how long it can take, it really is a good thing.

After spending some time at this level, you take another step and begin interviewing before another committee, this one with more clergy and a “District Superintendent.”  There’s more work involved with this one and – if they do it the way I’ve experienced it – they make you write papers on your background, theology, experience, opinions, and favorite color.  Ok, not the favorite color part, but the rest and even more!  This is an annual thing until you take the next step.

And here I am at the next step.  I’m applying to (basically) be a “Provisional” Pastor.  I’ve come this far in the process, and I’m taking the next step.  I’ve completed an application process, I’ll need to go before both of the committees mentioned previously, and then I have to submit a packet of papers to a “super committee” who will read through the papers before deciding whether or not to interview me.  How big is the packet?  About 60 pages.  Oh yeah, and there’s more Psych testing.

So here I am, wiping my brow and getting ready to get some work done.  This is big.  This is a lot of work.  This is intimidating.  This is daunting.

And this is totally something I can do.  I feel called to this.  I feel as though I’ve been given a great opportunity and have been given the gifts and skills to pull it off.  In the mean time, think about me for these next few months – and if it fits with your own tradition and experience, I’d love a few prayers!